even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
