I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
