someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
