My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
