woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
