I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i believe in u and ur pee
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize