She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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