We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
