Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
