My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
