Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
