you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
