mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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