you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
