I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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