My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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