seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
