I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
