Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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