She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
