Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
