just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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