So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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