I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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