i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
