I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
