I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
