the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
