It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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