So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
