i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
