i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
