What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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