I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
