I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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