You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
