I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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