She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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