Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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