Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
