Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
