Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
