Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
