I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
