1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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