the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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