sarcasm needs its own font
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
