I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
