one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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