Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
