Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
